I feel like I've spent most of my life feeling nostalgic. I know they say that college is the best four years of your life, but I find myself missing high school all the time. I know it probably sounds ridiculous and angsty, but the past always seems so much better than the now, and than my impression of the future. I guess that means I need to learn to appreciate the now, and accept that soon enough, the now will be that preferable past. Does that make sense?
I just re-discovered my old blogs, both Xangas. At first it was hilarious, reading entries from the days when I had braces and thought low-rise jeans were the be-all and end-all of fashion. It made me smile to read about all the things I did that got me in trouble, and to recall how absolutely terrifying it was to get caught. I always knew back then that someday I'd look back on my indiscretions and laugh at them, and that someday I'd tell my mom about all the things I hid from her in high school, but back then the immediacy was overwhelming and the future seemed really, really far away.
Soon enough, I got to the December 2005 entries when Brian entered the picture. This was considerably less fun to read. Reading the entries from early January 2006, right after we started officially dating, was just downright miserable.
From February 13th, 2006:
"brian called me at like 11 and said he was coming to pick me up so i went home
and i was really mad
and then he showed up
and then i wasn't mad anymore no matter how hard i tried.
we made a little snowman with long arms and a big smile."
I remember this night really, really vividly, even though it was almost three years ago. We went to the park down the block from my house and played in the snow. For the first time, the person I was dating was also my friend. We cracked each other up that night, putting snow down each other's pants and making hideous snow angels.
From March 28th, 2006:
"wake up sunday morning, er, afternoon, go to brian's. hang around his house, go to Mama's for early dinner, bitch at him for stupid things, he makes me laugh hard in the parking lot, i realize how perfect i feel with him sometimes. head back to his house for the sopranos. well, he wanted to watch the sopranos and i was feeling open-minded. the things we do for love. it wasn't bad, we had ice cream like fattys and i jumped on his bed."
Reaction to reading these? Owowowowowow. Ow.
I also found a file on my laptop full of the best love e-mails I wrote to Brian from Little Shitty Midwestern College, and even some of the truly evil angry e-mails I wrote to him over this past summer. I think from now on, most of my entries will start with an e-mail copied-and-pasted, since they make for good timeline highlights.
Here's one from my early days at LSMC:
November 3rd, 2006
been thinking today about all the things you do for me. i've never been the kind of person who gave herself up completely to someone, who admitted that she needed anything from anyone else. but i've also never met anyone who was willing to do that for me. i know i've said to you in the past that i feel i dont deserve you. i don't mean that in an insecure, 'i'm not good enough for you' kind of way. i just mean, i don't know, you're so completely there for me it's unreal.
thanksgiving has always been, for me at least, an excuse to eat a fucking lot and watch football with my jewish cousins. my mom always tried to make it something more. she would ask, during a rare silent period in the meal, what everyone was thankful for. my cousins would try to outdo each other in humor, my dad would ignore the question, and everyone else would say something like, "family." i myself was usually too shy to answer, or i'd say i was thankful for Charlie or for all the food on the table. this year, though, i can't wait for the moment when i get to say i'm so incredibly thankful for you and everything you've given me this past year. for keeping me warm through the longest, coldest winter of my life and for making me laugh and for loving me back. for nights when the stars were out and for mornings when we couldn't drag ourselves out of bed.
i love you,
RNT
Soon enough, I'll return with more tales of Brian's early warning signs and the achingly slow spiral into misery that is my recently-concluded, first-love relationship, since I'm told by one reader that these are the most entertaining of my vignettes. However, one of my goals in keeping this blog is to prioritize emotional necessity over entertainment value, so if I'm needing to write about old, happy times, I'll write about old, happy times, even if it bores my minimal readership to tears.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
girls just wanna have fun
Have I mentioned yet that I'm not a terrific judge of character? Well, I'm not sure it's my judging skills so much as my tolerance. I tolerate people beyond the point at which I should probably stop giving them the benefit of the doubt and start cutting the friendship cord. I do this all the time. Like for instance, just in the past couple of years I met and befriended TWO (2) girls here at my school who, after a few months of awkward, strained friendship, turned out to be raving conservatives. Maybe I'm just too nice; I give chance after chance after chance to people who hardly even deserve one. Maybe this break-up will give me the perspective I need to stop clinging to these people before we're talking politics over lunch and I'm assaulted with a comment like, "those pro-choice girls are SO ridiculous," or "everything Obama said in that debate was a total LIE! It was hilarious!" That's just embarrassing, really.
Anyway. I met Paige when I was visiting Shitty Little Midwestern College, and something about her made me decide that that was the college for me. Perhaps it was her striking resemblance to Vanessa Hudgens (had I seen High School Musical yet? Am I a total bisexual for even thinking these things?), or perhaps I was just terrified about the future and this made me an excellent candidate for a baseless, vapid friendship. We decided to be future roommates after knowing each other for about a day.
That day in August when I moved in was the beginning of the kind of roommate relationship all the college advice books tell you to avoid. We did EVERYTHING together. Meals, parties, sports games- we even made all the same friends. (Dear college freshmen, this is a recipe for disaster. Love, RNT). Hanging out with her and the girls we fell in with made me feel the way kids who get held back in middle school must feel. I already knew everything they told me, I'd already thought of everything they'd thought of, I'd already heard (or made) every joke they thought was hilarious. I know it sounds cocky, but I felt like I was lightyears ahead of these girls- and isn't college supposed to be this Great Equalizer? Doesn't every college brochure say something about "like-minded individuals"?
Brian and I were 900 miles apart after 8 months of being absoutely inseperable, and I was indeed very lonely without him. We talked on the phone all the time. The thing to do at Shitty Little Midwestern College was to go to frat parties most nights of the week, and so in my quest to have fun in college like you're supposed to, I applied way too much makeup and way too little clothing and went to these parties with my supposed friends. Of course, Brian didn't like the thought of his girlfriend going to frat parties with girls he'd never met, dancing with boys he'd never met (not that me dancing with boys he HAD met would ever fly with Brian, either), and staying out late with anyone besides him. He was, of course, wrong about the drinking. I did drink in college, albeit VERY little because a boyfriend's guilt is a powerful thing.
What disturbed me, however, were the late-night phone calls. My phone would ring numerous times while I was in the basement of the TKE house, trying to dance on the sticky floors and trying not to spill any Keystone on my tube top. I would go outside and stand underneath a tree near their porch to call Brian back. My naive little self always expected these phone calls to go something like this:
Brian: How's the party? Are you having fun?
RNT: Yeah! How are you?
Brian: Fine, about to [go to bed/go to a party/play poker with friends]. Just wanted to say hi.
However, I learned quickly after leaving for college that a long-distance relationship with Brian was not at all what I'd expected. The phone calls went more like this:
Brian: How's the party? Are you having fun?
RNT: Yeah! How are you?
Brian: What's so fun about it? Are you drinking?
RNT: A little. How are you?
Brian: Why are you drinking? Are you going to leave soon?
RNT: I don't know. I might stay another hour or so. What are you up to?
Brian: Can you leave in half an hour? I'm going to bed.
RNT: So what?
Brian: I want to talk to you before I go to bed.
RNT: You're talking to me right now. Goodnight! I love you!
Brian: No, I want to talk to you alone. Can you leave soon?
I'd always go back to my dorm before Paige and the girls. I felt bad saying no to Brian when we were so far apart. I told myself that the parties weren't really that fun. After a while, I stopped going to the parties altogether. I think it made Brian happy when I stayed in for the night. It meant I was available for hours worth of phone talking, and it also meant I wasn't wearing anything more attractive than sweats or doing anything more exciting than painting watercolors on my bedroom floor.
This is becoming increasingly difficult to write about. In retrospect, I feel ashamed of myself for attending to his unfair requests, but at the time I thought I was doing the honorable, romantic thing. I thought it wouldn't ultimately matter whether or not I went to those frat parties and danced on coffee tables, but the fact is, it does matter. If not freshman year of college, when?
Thank God for the Lithuanian dance hall. I'm going to go get all dressed up and go out dancing. Even though there won't be frat boys or cheap beer, at least there'll be dancing, and girls that I actually enjoy spending time with.
Anyway. I met Paige when I was visiting Shitty Little Midwestern College, and something about her made me decide that that was the college for me. Perhaps it was her striking resemblance to Vanessa Hudgens (had I seen High School Musical yet? Am I a total bisexual for even thinking these things?), or perhaps I was just terrified about the future and this made me an excellent candidate for a baseless, vapid friendship. We decided to be future roommates after knowing each other for about a day.
That day in August when I moved in was the beginning of the kind of roommate relationship all the college advice books tell you to avoid. We did EVERYTHING together. Meals, parties, sports games- we even made all the same friends. (Dear college freshmen, this is a recipe for disaster. Love, RNT). Hanging out with her and the girls we fell in with made me feel the way kids who get held back in middle school must feel. I already knew everything they told me, I'd already thought of everything they'd thought of, I'd already heard (or made) every joke they thought was hilarious. I know it sounds cocky, but I felt like I was lightyears ahead of these girls- and isn't college supposed to be this Great Equalizer? Doesn't every college brochure say something about "like-minded individuals"?
Brian and I were 900 miles apart after 8 months of being absoutely inseperable, and I was indeed very lonely without him. We talked on the phone all the time. The thing to do at Shitty Little Midwestern College was to go to frat parties most nights of the week, and so in my quest to have fun in college like you're supposed to, I applied way too much makeup and way too little clothing and went to these parties with my supposed friends. Of course, Brian didn't like the thought of his girlfriend going to frat parties with girls he'd never met, dancing with boys he'd never met (not that me dancing with boys he HAD met would ever fly with Brian, either), and staying out late with anyone besides him. He was, of course, wrong about the drinking. I did drink in college, albeit VERY little because a boyfriend's guilt is a powerful thing.
What disturbed me, however, were the late-night phone calls. My phone would ring numerous times while I was in the basement of the TKE house, trying to dance on the sticky floors and trying not to spill any Keystone on my tube top. I would go outside and stand underneath a tree near their porch to call Brian back. My naive little self always expected these phone calls to go something like this:
Brian: How's the party? Are you having fun?
RNT: Yeah! How are you?
Brian: Fine, about to [go to bed/go to a party/play poker with friends]. Just wanted to say hi.
However, I learned quickly after leaving for college that a long-distance relationship with Brian was not at all what I'd expected. The phone calls went more like this:
Brian: How's the party? Are you having fun?
RNT: Yeah! How are you?
Brian: What's so fun about it? Are you drinking?
RNT: A little. How are you?
Brian: Why are you drinking? Are you going to leave soon?
RNT: I don't know. I might stay another hour or so. What are you up to?
Brian: Can you leave in half an hour? I'm going to bed.
RNT: So what?
Brian: I want to talk to you before I go to bed.
RNT: You're talking to me right now. Goodnight! I love you!
Brian: No, I want to talk to you alone. Can you leave soon?
I'd always go back to my dorm before Paige and the girls. I felt bad saying no to Brian when we were so far apart. I told myself that the parties weren't really that fun. After a while, I stopped going to the parties altogether. I think it made Brian happy when I stayed in for the night. It meant I was available for hours worth of phone talking, and it also meant I wasn't wearing anything more attractive than sweats or doing anything more exciting than painting watercolors on my bedroom floor.
This is becoming increasingly difficult to write about. In retrospect, I feel ashamed of myself for attending to his unfair requests, but at the time I thought I was doing the honorable, romantic thing. I thought it wouldn't ultimately matter whether or not I went to those frat parties and danced on coffee tables, but the fact is, it does matter. If not freshman year of college, when?
Thank God for the Lithuanian dance hall. I'm going to go get all dressed up and go out dancing. Even though there won't be frat boys or cheap beer, at least there'll be dancing, and girls that I actually enjoy spending time with.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
delayed devotion
I came home yesterday and found a mix CD lying on my laptop, with "Boys Suck" written on it. I was skeptical, since my musical taste tends to differ pretty significantly with my roommates (with the possible exceptions of Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato and Sinead O'Connor). However, upon listening I realized that every song was absolutely perfect.
Without further adieu, the track list, with lyrical excerpts:
1.)A Toast to Men- Willa Ford
"Fuck the men, let's drink to us." 'Nuff said.
2.)The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2gether
"It's been so long since I've seen your face/so long since I've been to first base/I really miss the feel of your kiss/but can I have back my things before I get really pissed?" Seriously, I need my winter coat, and it's in Brian's car. F!!
3.)Single Ladies- Beyonce
"I need no permission, did I mention/don't pay him any attention/'cause you had your turn, and now you're gonna learn/what it really feels like to miss me."
4.)40 Boys in 40 Nights- The Donnas
"Have some now, save some for later/but there's no cute boys in Decatur." A noble quest.
5.)Breakin' Up- Rilo Kiley
"It's not as if New York City burnt down to the ground once you drove away."
6.)You Don't Own Me- Lesley Gore
"You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way/you don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay." Okay, well I did stay for three years. Still.
7.)So What- P!NK
"Tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool so/so what, I'm still a rock star." Perf!
8.)L.O.V.E.- Ashlee Simpson
"My boyfriend, he'll be callin' me now anytime/ I need all my girls to keep him off my mind."
9.)Ur So Gay-Katy Perry
"You walk around like you're oh so debonair/ you pull 'em down and there's really nothing there."
10.)I'm Not Crying For You- Save Ferris
"Making empty promises is all you do/ you say that you will change, but it's just not true."
11.)These Boots Are Made For Walkin'- Nancy Sinatra
"And that's just what they'll do."
12.)Delayed Devotion- Duffy
"Your words come much too late/ my love for you has turned to hate/ 'cause you've taken too much time/ to show me that you're mine." I LOVE DUFFY.
13.)End It On This- Gwen Stefani
"You see, it's hard to face/ the addict that's inside of me/ I want to fill my glass up/with you constantly."
14.)I Bet It Stung- Tegan & Sara
"Don't get so uptight/don't get so uptight/go, go away."
15.)I can't figure out what this song is called or who it's by, but it's beautiful.
"Why did I refuse to listen when I heard the early warning? I kept flying right around the bend/'cause I would never see you again."
The Duffy song is really my favorite. I mean, I can jam out to all of it, but I have been in love with her voice since I first heard it and Delayed Devotion is just the perfect song for what's going on with me now.
Without further adieu, the track list, with lyrical excerpts:
1.)A Toast to Men- Willa Ford
"Fuck the men, let's drink to us." 'Nuff said.
2.)The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2gether
"It's been so long since I've seen your face/so long since I've been to first base/I really miss the feel of your kiss/but can I have back my things before I get really pissed?" Seriously, I need my winter coat, and it's in Brian's car. F!!
3.)Single Ladies- Beyonce
"I need no permission, did I mention/don't pay him any attention/'cause you had your turn, and now you're gonna learn/what it really feels like to miss me."
4.)40 Boys in 40 Nights- The Donnas
"Have some now, save some for later/but there's no cute boys in Decatur." A noble quest.
5.)Breakin' Up- Rilo Kiley
"It's not as if New York City burnt down to the ground once you drove away."
6.)You Don't Own Me- Lesley Gore
"You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way/you don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay." Okay, well I did stay for three years. Still.
7.)So What- P!NK
"Tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool so/so what, I'm still a rock star." Perf!
8.)L.O.V.E.- Ashlee Simpson
"My boyfriend, he'll be callin' me now anytime/ I need all my girls to keep him off my mind."
9.)Ur So Gay-Katy Perry
"You walk around like you're oh so debonair/ you pull 'em down and there's really nothing there."
10.)I'm Not Crying For You- Save Ferris
"Making empty promises is all you do/ you say that you will change, but it's just not true."
11.)These Boots Are Made For Walkin'- Nancy Sinatra
"And that's just what they'll do."
12.)Delayed Devotion- Duffy
"Your words come much too late/ my love for you has turned to hate/ 'cause you've taken too much time/ to show me that you're mine." I LOVE DUFFY.
13.)End It On This- Gwen Stefani
"You see, it's hard to face/ the addict that's inside of me/ I want to fill my glass up/with you constantly."
14.)I Bet It Stung- Tegan & Sara
"Don't get so uptight/don't get so uptight/go, go away."
15.)I can't figure out what this song is called or who it's by, but it's beautiful.
"Why did I refuse to listen when I heard the early warning? I kept flying right around the bend/'cause I would never see you again."
The Duffy song is really my favorite. I mean, I can jam out to all of it, but I have been in love with her voice since I first heard it and Delayed Devotion is just the perfect song for what's going on with me now.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
love letters
I began writing long e-mails to Brian when I went away to college for the first time. Writing has always brought me peace, and the thought of sharing that with someone was exhilarating. A few days ago, I was driven to delete the e-mail account which held most of the e-mails I'd sent to him over the years (there were TONS by the end of my freshman year), because he was using it as a vessel for harassing me. Sad to lose those e-mails, but perhaps good that I can't go back and read them now.
Anyway, here's a recent one that for whatever reason, Brian chose to forward to me today. It's from some time in the last few months, when we were breaking up and getting back together as often as I changed my socks.
[edited for awkwardness]
hey dude.
before i say anything else i have to get off my chest the things you said to me that hurt me the most. i feel threatened, attacked, and unloved when you purposely say things that you know will hurt me deeply. i know that you feel some of those things to when i shut you out, and we both need to stop doing that. when you said that it was OK for you to get a girl's e-mail address but not ok for me to get a guy's e-mail address, because "me and you are different people," that sounded ridiculous and crazy to me. i don't like to think that i'm dating someone who holds himself to different standards than those to which he holds me; that's not right. last night i asked you to please not talk about other girls to get under my skin. i understand that sometimes when i do things to you that hurt you, your first impulse is to hurt me right back. but i feel like sometimes the things i do that hurt you are much less hurtful than the things you do to hurt me. i don't think we should be hurting each other at all, but at this point i feel like i'm always mad at you or hurt by you and it really sucks. i'm just thinking right now about the times we used to have, where we could spend three days straight together and just be happy the whole time. i can't even imagine doing that now, because i feel like you would probably get into a mood at some point, or i'd find out about some lie that you told me or something you said to a girl, i'd get hurt or offended, a fight would start, and you would say things to me that would kill me. i have to repeat to you one more time: the things you say to me when you're trying to hurt me...they do more than just hurt me. they destroy me. i'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to trust anyone ever again. like, i'm starting to feel like everyone who i thought cared about me, doesn't really care and i'm wrong about everything. because i put so much of me into you, and then for example when you said that you would put those pictures of me online (i know you took that back and apologized, but i really affected me) i was like, oh my god, i don't really know this guy at all. and recently i've been feeling that way a LOT. like the first time you told me you cheated on me. that was the ONE THING i really truly thought you would NEVER do in a million years, because as mean as you can be i thought that your world revolved around me the way mine revolves around you. and then you said you cheated on me, and it was like, who the hell are you?
all that said, i still love you with all of my heart. i know i almost never tell you this and here's why: i'm scared to give you my heart now. i'm really, really, genuinely scared of what you might do with it next time you're upset with me. i know maybe you don't buy this, but seriously, my heart is the most important part of me and it's delicate. i will tell you right now that you own most of the real estate in my head and in my heart (like that analogy? thought you would...) and that both thrills me and scares me. Brian, i think about you all the time and i miss you at night when i'm alone. thinking about the incredible, fantastic, sparkling love we used to share literally brings tears to my eyes. but i just don't know how much more pain i can take. what about you?
love always,
RNT
Anyway, here's a recent one that for whatever reason, Brian chose to forward to me today. It's from some time in the last few months, when we were breaking up and getting back together as often as I changed my socks.
[edited for awkwardness]
hey dude.
before i say anything else i have to get off my chest the things you said to me that hurt me the most. i feel threatened, attacked, and unloved when you purposely say things that you know will hurt me deeply. i know that you feel some of those things to when i shut you out, and we both need to stop doing that. when you said that it was OK for you to get a girl's e-mail address but not ok for me to get a guy's e-mail address, because "me and you are different people," that sounded ridiculous and crazy to me. i don't like to think that i'm dating someone who holds himself to different standards than those to which he holds me; that's not right. last night i asked you to please not talk about other girls to get under my skin. i understand that sometimes when i do things to you that hurt you, your first impulse is to hurt me right back. but i feel like sometimes the things i do that hurt you are much less hurtful than the things you do to hurt me. i don't think we should be hurting each other at all, but at this point i feel like i'm always mad at you or hurt by you and it really sucks. i'm just thinking right now about the times we used to have, where we could spend three days straight together and just be happy the whole time. i can't even imagine doing that now, because i feel like you would probably get into a mood at some point, or i'd find out about some lie that you told me or something you said to a girl, i'd get hurt or offended, a fight would start, and you would say things to me that would kill me. i have to repeat to you one more time: the things you say to me when you're trying to hurt me...they do more than just hurt me. they destroy me. i'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to trust anyone ever again. like, i'm starting to feel like everyone who i thought cared about me, doesn't really care and i'm wrong about everything. because i put so much of me into you, and then for example when you said that you would put those pictures of me online (i know you took that back and apologized, but i really affected me) i was like, oh my god, i don't really know this guy at all. and recently i've been feeling that way a LOT. like the first time you told me you cheated on me. that was the ONE THING i really truly thought you would NEVER do in a million years, because as mean as you can be i thought that your world revolved around me the way mine revolves around you. and then you said you cheated on me, and it was like, who the hell are you?
all that said, i still love you with all of my heart. i know i almost never tell you this and here's why: i'm scared to give you my heart now. i'm really, really, genuinely scared of what you might do with it next time you're upset with me. i know maybe you don't buy this, but seriously, my heart is the most important part of me and it's delicate. i will tell you right now that you own most of the real estate in my head and in my heart (like that analogy? thought you would...) and that both thrills me and scares me. Brian, i think about you all the time and i miss you at night when i'm alone. thinking about the incredible, fantastic, sparkling love we used to share literally brings tears to my eyes. but i just don't know how much more pain i can take. what about you?
love always,
RNT
Monday, December 1, 2008
It might sound crazy but it ain't no lie
So, I did as every other high school graduate I knew did and went away to college. Brian and I had now been together for eight months, and leaving didn't sound at all awesome. I don't know why I chose to move out to the midwest in pursuit of higher education. In retrospect, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that my school of choice had a cool purple website and I'd met one (1) person who at the time I thought was awesome (oh lord, clearly first impressions really aren't my strongest suit) while on a visit there. Brian and I spent one last night together, although I wouldn't let him sleep over since I had to get up so early to leave the next day, so we just laid on my downstairs couch for a few hours talking and crying. Saying goodbye to him was pretty awful. I remember that we stood out by his car in front of my house for a long time, and I remember too that that was the first time I ever saw Brian shed a tear. It was late August and hot as hell, and his hat was covering his eyes since he was staring at his feet, but I still saw it and it was jarring. I guess in most of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, it's always been hard for me to glean exactly how much of my other's behavior is real and how much of it is pulled from romantic comedy scripts. But it's very hard to fake what I saw in him that night.
I left early the next morning with my parents in our Ford Focus. We drove all day and stayed the night somewhere, and the next day we drove to the town where my school was and stayed the night in a crappy hotel on the outskirts. We took a short walk that night around the town that I'd call home for the next ten months, and at the time it looked so pleasant. It looked like somewhere I'd want to live. It amazes me the way the look of a place can change so much without actually changing at all. The anonymous town became something completely else over the year that followed. It's colors changed entirely and it almost seems that all the angles were erased and re-built at some point while I was living there, too. It's hard to explain.
I wish I didn't have to shut him out completely now to live my life. I wish that we could be friends. I really do. It just doesn't work that way, I guess. I have to really consider my definition of a friend, and what can and can't be allowed. I won't be called fat and ugly by a friend- but what if they take it back? I can't be friends with someone who is totally preoccupied with reassuming his position as my boyfriend. That just won't work. As long as he's using this hopeful kind of language ("I want to treat you so much better than I did" and "see, if I hadn't said those hurtful things to you, we'd be together right now") I simply can't talk to him. It's like I just told him; he's pulling apart a wound that I've been trying to heal for the past twelve days. My mom told me last time we broke up that my primary concern has to be preserving myself, so that's what I need to do. As much as it hurts to hear him sounding so hopeful, and hear him being so unhappy without me, I have to focus on how much it hurt being with him and never getting what I needed and deserved. He showed up at my school today, with a huge bouquet of flowers, waiting outside my morning class. I just had to keep telling myself that he was there for the wrong reason, that he's just trying to avoid his pain by pulling me back, and I had to stick to my resolve.
This fucking sucks. Seriously, it sucks.
I left early the next morning with my parents in our Ford Focus. We drove all day and stayed the night somewhere, and the next day we drove to the town where my school was and stayed the night in a crappy hotel on the outskirts. We took a short walk that night around the town that I'd call home for the next ten months, and at the time it looked so pleasant. It looked like somewhere I'd want to live. It amazes me the way the look of a place can change so much without actually changing at all. The anonymous town became something completely else over the year that followed. It's colors changed entirely and it almost seems that all the angles were erased and re-built at some point while I was living there, too. It's hard to explain.
I wish I didn't have to shut him out completely now to live my life. I wish that we could be friends. I really do. It just doesn't work that way, I guess. I have to really consider my definition of a friend, and what can and can't be allowed. I won't be called fat and ugly by a friend- but what if they take it back? I can't be friends with someone who is totally preoccupied with reassuming his position as my boyfriend. That just won't work. As long as he's using this hopeful kind of language ("I want to treat you so much better than I did" and "see, if I hadn't said those hurtful things to you, we'd be together right now") I simply can't talk to him. It's like I just told him; he's pulling apart a wound that I've been trying to heal for the past twelve days. My mom told me last time we broke up that my primary concern has to be preserving myself, so that's what I need to do. As much as it hurts to hear him sounding so hopeful, and hear him being so unhappy without me, I have to focus on how much it hurt being with him and never getting what I needed and deserved. He showed up at my school today, with a huge bouquet of flowers, waiting outside my morning class. I just had to keep telling myself that he was there for the wrong reason, that he's just trying to avoid his pain by pulling me back, and I had to stick to my resolve.
This fucking sucks. Seriously, it sucks.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I wanna rock and roll all night
I saw this on PostSecret today and it screamed at me. I've known for two years that sometimes what I was experiencing was emotional abuse. I'm stubborn and strong but I still lost so much because of the way he manipulated me and tried to own me. This doesn't only happen to weak, wimpy girls who aren't feminists and don't know what they deserve. It happens to anyone. What can I do now to stop this from happening to other people?
Anyhow. I wish I could say that I specifically remember when I first felt that maybe I wasn't the same in Brian's eyes as I was in my own. I wish I could remember the first time he held me back from what I wanted to do or the first time his words made me feel tiny and stupid. I do remember the first time I realized that my relationship wasn't exactly what I had thought.
We were in Linens N' Things. I had a gift card from my neighbors and I was buying whatever I thought I needed for college (btw, I was mostly wrong). In the kitchen section I went to buy some glasses and I made some alcohol-related comment, to which his response was, "you're not drinking in college." Just like that, not a question, not a concern, just a command. It shocked me. He had kept that side him of so well-covered and it hadn't crossed my mind yet that my boyfriend would ever have anything to do with what I did or didn't do (aside from the obvious, like hooking up with other guys, which would still have to be my choice and not his command). It seemed ridiculous to me and I wrote it off, thinking he either didn't really mean it or he'd just get over it. Of couse I was going to drink in college. What could he possibly think I was going to do, experience higher learning?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
love, love, love, love, crazy love
I met Brian when I was way too young to care much about my partner's intellect, life goals, morals, religious or political viewpoints, etc. The bottom line is, I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, and we made each other laugh. By 17-year-old standards, why the hell not? It didn't hurt that his mom's kitchen (oh yeah, did I mention he was living in his mom's basement until January of this year?) was well-stocked with delicious and unhealthy food, and that he had two huge-screen TVs and plenty of (questionable) discretionary income. He took me out to nice restaurants and bought me multiple gifts on holidays. He cared way more than any guy I knew then about how he looked and smelled and he treated me with a confidence I wasn't used to, having dated guys close to my age who were easily intimidated and often inexperienced. I'm not and never have been the type to make the first move in any situation, but he handled my shy, closed-up demeanor with impressive dexterity and within a couple of months I had given over most of my time, energy and emotions to him.
I'll be fair. I'm bitter and frustrated now, and I'm painting him as manipulative and even maybe a bit pedophilic. Brian didn't take advantage of me; that's not what I mean to say at all. We had a legitimately great time together back then. He made me feel awesome and I made him equally happy. Our relationship wasn't unhealthy; we gave and took equally and only fought over ridiculously tiny things, if at all. There was no jealousy, no lying, no attempt by either party to control what the other did in his or her spare time. Things were great.
I remember sitting in the computer room at my house once in the middle of the day, before I had my own laptop. I don't know what I was doing on the computer but some cheesy country song was playing and it was about love, and I realized right at that moment that I was in love. I felt like I had gotten some kind of gift that I had been waiting and hoping for for years. I was giddy and warm and when my mom came in, she thought at first something bad had happened
because I had tears running down my face.
There is nothing as awesome as falling in love. As full of regret and resentment as I am right now, I can still say that I truly believe there is absolutely nothing more gratifying and overwhelming. Everyone should get to fall in love at least once. It is just simply totally awesome.
She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief
I'll be fair. I'm bitter and frustrated now, and I'm painting him as manipulative and even maybe a bit pedophilic. Brian didn't take advantage of me; that's not what I mean to say at all. We had a legitimately great time together back then. He made me feel awesome and I made him equally happy. Our relationship wasn't unhealthy; we gave and took equally and only fought over ridiculously tiny things, if at all. There was no jealousy, no lying, no attempt by either party to control what the other did in his or her spare time. Things were great.
I remember sitting in the computer room at my house once in the middle of the day, before I had my own laptop. I don't know what I was doing on the computer but some cheesy country song was playing and it was about love, and I realized right at that moment that I was in love. I felt like I had gotten some kind of gift that I had been waiting and hoping for for years. I was giddy and warm and when my mom came in, she thought at first something bad had happened
because I had tears running down my face.
There is nothing as awesome as falling in love. As full of regret and resentment as I am right now, I can still say that I truly believe there is absolutely nothing more gratifying and overwhelming. Everyone should get to fall in love at least once. It is just simply totally awesome.
She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief
Friday, November 28, 2008
did Ma prepare you for a sick dark world?
Brian sent my mom a Facebook message today.
whats is wrong with your daughter? is she ok ? I tryed numerous time to get a hold of her and she wont reply or return my phone call and let me voice myopinion and tell her what i think and feel. I feel thats really unfair and kinda selfish , everyone knows i wouldn't do that to her. i still care about her and always will, thats what annoys me the most.because the way shes acting doesnt seem like she cares at all,and it drives mecrazy. i feel bad things went the way they did and i cant even tell her.
anyways i just wanted to let you know ...im sure u only hear one side and thats not fair. also when u picked her up in [anonymous Marlyand suburb] i had no idea she left.
anyways enough complaining happy holidays
i called the [anonymous last name] house to wish you all a Thanksgiving [perhaps even a happy one? Typography has never been his forte.]
ps sorry to throw this all at you
This is probably suprising to some, but to those who know Brian as well as our family does, it's not all that shocking. His family is so different from ours. In my mom's words, they have totally different boundaries. Where I grew up, a relationship is between two people and it's really not up to anyone else to influence either party's behavior. Your pain is your own and you work through it by talking to someone- but you have to choose that someone carefully. Your ex-girlfriend's mother is not going to agree with you. I happen to know that I (and my brother, I guess) am the center of my mom's world and an angry, hurt, unstable, and frankly immature ex-boyfriend isn't going to change her mind.
That said, I really do hope he figures out what to do with all his frustration. I know that by not talking to him, I may come off as cold and uncaring, but from my perspective that's okay. The end of a relationship always hurts more for one person, since "mutual" is such a relative term and "amicable" is kind of a joke anyway. The only way he's going to finally get inside his own head and understand his pitfalls is if I remove myself from the equation (a sentiment to which he responded, "what is this, a math problem?" I hung up on him). He just simply can't keep relying on me to ease the pain of what he's been through recently and what he's constantly going through in his head. I wish he weren't too proud to see a therapist, since I believe in the power of talk therapy, but he's told me numerous times that he has no interest in talking to a stranger about his feelings. Strange that he'd have dated a psychology major for so long, since hopefully someday that's how I'll be making a living.
The title of this post is from the Say Anything song, "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too." It's ordinarily about phone sex, but some of the lyrics seem oddly appropriate now.
Know that you will be my downfall/but I call and I call and I call
Gotta go pick my brother up in Chinatown. Vegan Thanksgiving feast tonight with all my favorite people.
whats is wrong with your daughter? is she ok ? I tryed numerous time to get a hold of her and she wont reply or return my phone call and let me voice myopinion and tell her what i think and feel. I feel thats really unfair and kinda selfish , everyone knows i wouldn't do that to her. i still care about her and always will, thats what annoys me the most.because the way shes acting doesnt seem like she cares at all,and it drives mecrazy. i feel bad things went the way they did and i cant even tell her.
anyways i just wanted to let you know ...im sure u only hear one side and thats not fair. also when u picked her up in [anonymous Marlyand suburb] i had no idea she left.
anyways enough complaining happy holidays
i called the [anonymous last name] house to wish you all a Thanksgiving [perhaps even a happy one? Typography has never been his forte.]
ps sorry to throw this all at you
This is probably suprising to some, but to those who know Brian as well as our family does, it's not all that shocking. His family is so different from ours. In my mom's words, they have totally different boundaries. Where I grew up, a relationship is between two people and it's really not up to anyone else to influence either party's behavior. Your pain is your own and you work through it by talking to someone- but you have to choose that someone carefully. Your ex-girlfriend's mother is not going to agree with you. I happen to know that I (and my brother, I guess) am the center of my mom's world and an angry, hurt, unstable, and frankly immature ex-boyfriend isn't going to change her mind.
That said, I really do hope he figures out what to do with all his frustration. I know that by not talking to him, I may come off as cold and uncaring, but from my perspective that's okay. The end of a relationship always hurts more for one person, since "mutual" is such a relative term and "amicable" is kind of a joke anyway. The only way he's going to finally get inside his own head and understand his pitfalls is if I remove myself from the equation (a sentiment to which he responded, "what is this, a math problem?" I hung up on him). He just simply can't keep relying on me to ease the pain of what he's been through recently and what he's constantly going through in his head. I wish he weren't too proud to see a therapist, since I believe in the power of talk therapy, but he's told me numerous times that he has no interest in talking to a stranger about his feelings. Strange that he'd have dated a psychology major for so long, since hopefully someday that's how I'll be making a living.
The title of this post is from the Say Anything song, "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too." It's ordinarily about phone sex, but some of the lyrics seem oddly appropriate now.
Know that you will be my downfall/but I call and I call and I call
Gotta go pick my brother up in Chinatown. Vegan Thanksgiving feast tonight with all my favorite people.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
thanksgiving
The first time Brian called me, it was Thanksgiving of 2005. I was at a resort on Amelia Island, off of the coast of Florida. Or Georgia. Down there somewhere. He called to invite me to a party.
Here's an e-mail I wrote to him last night, but I don't think I'll send it.
Brian,
right now i feel like my whole world has been turned upside-down. everything feels totally different. i wake up in the morning and i feel okay, i'm not sad or lonely, but i feel like i haven't really woken up yet. like i'm in the twilight zone and everyone else is outside of my weird little bubble. i go through my whole day smiling and feeling alright. i think about the things that i can do now that you're gone, like have male friends without anyone questioning me or stay out late and come home to my own bed whenever i want. and i'm happy that i can do these things now, because it's been a long time. but all the while i feel a little bit like everyone else is just a tiny bit more alive than i am. it's very, very hard to explain.
and then comes nighttime. nighttime is the worst. i've cried myself to sleep most of the nights since i last talked to you. the sun starts to disappear and all of the sudden i can just feel you everywhere. all of the sudden all of my negative thoughts about you just fade away, i forget the horrible things you've said to me over the past few days and i forget how ugly our relationship became in the last couple of months, and all i can think about is being in your old room at your mom's house. how we would watch movies and make snacks and listen to music and then do it all again and we didn't care about anything else. we didn't have anywhere to be and i would drive home feeling full of light. we had the kind of relationship that every little girl dreams about having. you know exactly where and how i like to be touched and kissed and you know what makes me happy, gets me talking, pisses me off, wakes me up, makes me glow or makes me cry. and when i think about these things i just can't stop crying because i know that even if we were still together, those days are gone forever and it's like, "why was i so lucky then? what did i do to deserve losing that incredible cloud 9 feeling?" and somehow i fall asleep and wake up the next morning feeling okay.
i've gotten almost every message you've sent to me. i came home on friday night (i wasn't at any "little party" like you suspected) because i needed to be home and be with my family. when i went back to school, i purposely left my phone here and took my mom's so that i wouldn't have to read your texts or ignore your calls myself. your texts cut me so deeply, brian, i hope you realize that. when i checked my voicemail a couple of days later i had six messages, and i deleted each one quickly without listening to it because i didn't want to break down.
right now, it's really over. things fell apart. they just did. there's nothing either of us can do about it. that's why i can't let myself give in right now, and talk to you. because part of me knows that as soon as you hear my voice you'll start doing whatever it is you always do that gets right to my core. you'll use whatever technique it is to make me want to jump right back into your arms but the logical side of me knows that i have to resist that, at least until the hardest part is over. how can i be with someone who repeatedly lied to me, who cheated on me, who spoke to me like i was his maid or his little sister, and hardly ever felt any remorse? how can i be with someone who says he didn't love me for a full year that we were together, that he just had me fooled to think he was in love with me? the answer is, i can't.
maybe in a few months we can talk about things. who knows what could change (or not) in a few months. maybe you'll decide that the partying isn't worth it if you have to hide it from me, and you'll want me back by then. maybe i'll realize that underneath all the horribleness, you really do love me and you can change somehow to be someone i'm proud to date. maybe not. maybe you'll move on and meet someone who is OK with your new life and who makes you happy the way you are now, and you'll stop caring about me altogether. maybe i'll become a man-hating lesbian becase of the way you treated me and i'll go around with anger in my heart all the time and snap at everyone who tries to talk to me. maybe not. anything can happen now. all bets are off.
what a scary way to live. happy thanksgiving.
RNT
Here's an e-mail I wrote to him last night, but I don't think I'll send it.
Brian,
right now i feel like my whole world has been turned upside-down. everything feels totally different. i wake up in the morning and i feel okay, i'm not sad or lonely, but i feel like i haven't really woken up yet. like i'm in the twilight zone and everyone else is outside of my weird little bubble. i go through my whole day smiling and feeling alright. i think about the things that i can do now that you're gone, like have male friends without anyone questioning me or stay out late and come home to my own bed whenever i want. and i'm happy that i can do these things now, because it's been a long time. but all the while i feel a little bit like everyone else is just a tiny bit more alive than i am. it's very, very hard to explain.
and then comes nighttime. nighttime is the worst. i've cried myself to sleep most of the nights since i last talked to you. the sun starts to disappear and all of the sudden i can just feel you everywhere. all of the sudden all of my negative thoughts about you just fade away, i forget the horrible things you've said to me over the past few days and i forget how ugly our relationship became in the last couple of months, and all i can think about is being in your old room at your mom's house. how we would watch movies and make snacks and listen to music and then do it all again and we didn't care about anything else. we didn't have anywhere to be and i would drive home feeling full of light. we had the kind of relationship that every little girl dreams about having. you know exactly where and how i like to be touched and kissed and you know what makes me happy, gets me talking, pisses me off, wakes me up, makes me glow or makes me cry. and when i think about these things i just can't stop crying because i know that even if we were still together, those days are gone forever and it's like, "why was i so lucky then? what did i do to deserve losing that incredible cloud 9 feeling?" and somehow i fall asleep and wake up the next morning feeling okay.
i've gotten almost every message you've sent to me. i came home on friday night (i wasn't at any "little party" like you suspected) because i needed to be home and be with my family. when i went back to school, i purposely left my phone here and took my mom's so that i wouldn't have to read your texts or ignore your calls myself. your texts cut me so deeply, brian, i hope you realize that. when i checked my voicemail a couple of days later i had six messages, and i deleted each one quickly without listening to it because i didn't want to break down.
right now, it's really over. things fell apart. they just did. there's nothing either of us can do about it. that's why i can't let myself give in right now, and talk to you. because part of me knows that as soon as you hear my voice you'll start doing whatever it is you always do that gets right to my core. you'll use whatever technique it is to make me want to jump right back into your arms but the logical side of me knows that i have to resist that, at least until the hardest part is over. how can i be with someone who repeatedly lied to me, who cheated on me, who spoke to me like i was his maid or his little sister, and hardly ever felt any remorse? how can i be with someone who says he didn't love me for a full year that we were together, that he just had me fooled to think he was in love with me? the answer is, i can't.
maybe in a few months we can talk about things. who knows what could change (or not) in a few months. maybe you'll decide that the partying isn't worth it if you have to hide it from me, and you'll want me back by then. maybe i'll realize that underneath all the horribleness, you really do love me and you can change somehow to be someone i'm proud to date. maybe not. maybe you'll move on and meet someone who is OK with your new life and who makes you happy the way you are now, and you'll stop caring about me altogether. maybe i'll become a man-hating lesbian becase of the way you treated me and i'll go around with anger in my heart all the time and snap at everyone who tries to talk to me. maybe not. anything can happen now. all bets are off.
what a scary way to live. happy thanksgiving.
RNT
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
warts and all
Let's talk about goals for a second. Considering Brian didn't have any, it's only fitting.
My goal here is to lay EVERYTHING (within reason and appropriateness) on the table, regarding the last three years of my life. I think a lot of people set out to write blogs about the superficial facets of their lives, occasionally touching on the personal if only to expose the funny, pathetic, poetic or impressive parts of themselves. It's scary and dangerous to write the real. Who knows who your audience may come to include. I'm not saying I blame anyone for this, I'm just saying that I'm going to try and break out of it. To me, the only point of writing a journal at all is if it helps me talk things out with my demons and organize the inevitable chaos of being in my early 20's (does being 20 count as my early 20's?). Masking the ugliest parts of my story may make it easier to read, certainly easier to write, but it will not help me. I am going to talk about this "warts and all," in the words of Oliver Cromwell.
For a couple of years now I have been only telling half the story, if I was telling it at all. When you are in a serious relationship with someone, once you're past the infatuation phase and you've admitted that you're committed, it kind of becomes everyone's business. My relationships are certainly the concern of my family and friends, something I hadn't anticipated when things with Brian started to go downhill. I had no trouble filling my homies in on all the sweet things Brian would do for me; how he drove 13 hours to visit me at school in my freshman year at Knox, how we liked the same bands and how endearingly terrified he was when he witnessed for the first time one of my legendary panic attacks. But I hadn't planned for how difficult it would be to be open with everyone once the big fights started coming more often, once he had become controlling and wildly temperamental. What would happen to my dignity when I exposed myself as the kind of girl who stays with a guy after he turns out to be a monster? (It took me the better part of a year to understand that being in love with someone enough to give them another chance, and then another, and then another, isn't weakness but actually strength, in its own way.) So I learned to avoid and omit. Thus went my sanity.
I'll begin at the beginning. I met Brian early in my senior year in high school. I was on top of the world back then. I was popular at school and in excellent health. I was among the last of my friends to get my license and also to lose my virginity- I think I had just recently gotten my license when I met Brian, but I was still waiting on the other one. I had had a couple of pretty superficial relationships that were nothing if not typical and I was making good headway on making the right amount of poor judgment calls to be considered cool by high school standards. I liked to party but I wasn't addicted to anything and I had strict standards about what I would and wouldn't introduce into my bloodstream.
That's all I have time for right now. I'm to try and include a few excerpts from journals and poetry that parallel what I'm talking about here.
My goal here is to lay EVERYTHING (within reason and appropriateness) on the table, regarding the last three years of my life. I think a lot of people set out to write blogs about the superficial facets of their lives, occasionally touching on the personal if only to expose the funny, pathetic, poetic or impressive parts of themselves. It's scary and dangerous to write the real. Who knows who your audience may come to include. I'm not saying I blame anyone for this, I'm just saying that I'm going to try and break out of it. To me, the only point of writing a journal at all is if it helps me talk things out with my demons and organize the inevitable chaos of being in my early 20's (does being 20 count as my early 20's?). Masking the ugliest parts of my story may make it easier to read, certainly easier to write, but it will not help me. I am going to talk about this "warts and all," in the words of Oliver Cromwell.
For a couple of years now I have been only telling half the story, if I was telling it at all. When you are in a serious relationship with someone, once you're past the infatuation phase and you've admitted that you're committed, it kind of becomes everyone's business. My relationships are certainly the concern of my family and friends, something I hadn't anticipated when things with Brian started to go downhill. I had no trouble filling my homies in on all the sweet things Brian would do for me; how he drove 13 hours to visit me at school in my freshman year at Knox, how we liked the same bands and how endearingly terrified he was when he witnessed for the first time one of my legendary panic attacks. But I hadn't planned for how difficult it would be to be open with everyone once the big fights started coming more often, once he had become controlling and wildly temperamental. What would happen to my dignity when I exposed myself as the kind of girl who stays with a guy after he turns out to be a monster? (It took me the better part of a year to understand that being in love with someone enough to give them another chance, and then another, and then another, isn't weakness but actually strength, in its own way.) So I learned to avoid and omit. Thus went my sanity.
I'll begin at the beginning. I met Brian early in my senior year in high school. I was on top of the world back then. I was popular at school and in excellent health. I was among the last of my friends to get my license and also to lose my virginity- I think I had just recently gotten my license when I met Brian, but I was still waiting on the other one. I had had a couple of pretty superficial relationships that were nothing if not typical and I was making good headway on making the right amount of poor judgment calls to be considered cool by high school standards. I liked to party but I wasn't addicted to anything and I had strict standards about what I would and wouldn't introduce into my bloodstream.
That's all I have time for right now. I'm to try and include a few excerpts from journals and poetry that parallel what I'm talking about here.
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