love letters

I began writing long e-mails to Brian when I went away to college for the first time. Writing has always brought me peace, and the thought of sharing that with someone was exhilarating. A few days ago, I was driven to delete the e-mail account which held most of the e-mails I'd sent to him over the years (there were TONS by the end of my freshman year), because he was using it as a vessel for harassing me. Sad to lose those e-mails, but perhaps good that I can't go back and read them now.
Anyway, here's a recent one that for whatever reason, Brian chose to forward to me today. It's from some time in the last few months, when we were breaking up and getting back together as often as I changed my socks.
[edited for awkwardness]

hey dude.
before i say anything else i have to get off my chest the things you said to me that hurt me the most. i feel threatened, attacked, and unloved when you purposely say things that you know will hurt me deeply. i know that you feel some of those things to when i shut you out, and we both need to stop doing that. when you said that it was OK for you to get a girl's e-mail address but not ok for me to get a guy's e-mail address, because "me and you are different people," that sounded ridiculous and crazy to me. i don't like to think that i'm dating someone who holds himself to different standards than those to which he holds me; that's not right. last night i asked you to please not talk about other girls to get under my skin. i understand that sometimes when i do things to you that hurt you, your first impulse is to hurt me right back. but i feel like sometimes the things i do that hurt you are much less hurtful than the things you do to hurt me. i don't think we should be hurting each other at all, but at this point i feel like i'm always mad at you or hurt by you and it really sucks. i'm just thinking right now about the times we used to have, where we could spend three days straight together and just be happy the whole time. i can't even imagine doing that now, because i feel like you would probably get into a mood at some point, or i'd find out about some lie that you told me or something you said to a girl, i'd get hurt or offended, a fight would start, and you would say things to me that would kill me. i have to repeat to you one more time: the things you say to me when you're trying to hurt me...they do more than just hurt me. they destroy me. i'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to trust anyone ever again. like, i'm starting to feel like everyone who i thought cared about me, doesn't really care and i'm wrong about everything. because i put so much of me into you, and then for example when you said that you would put those pictures of me online (i know you took that back and apologized, but i really affected me) i was like, oh my god, i don't really know this guy at all. and recently i've been feeling that way a LOT. like the first time you told me you cheated on me. that was the ONE THING i really truly thought you would NEVER do in a million years, because as mean as you can be i thought that your world revolved around me the way mine revolves around you. and then you said you cheated on me, and it was like, who the hell are you?
all that said, i still love you with all of my heart. i know i almost never tell you this and here's why: i'm scared to give you my heart now. i'm really, really, genuinely scared of what you might do with it next time you're upset with me. i know maybe you don't buy this, but seriously, my heart is the most important part of me and it's delicate. i will tell you right now that you own most of the real estate in my head and in my heart (like that analogy? thought you would...) and that both thrills me and scares me. Brian, i think about you all the time and i miss you at night when i'm alone. thinking about the incredible, fantastic, sparkling love we used to share literally brings tears to my eyes. but i just don't know how much more pain i can take. what about you?
love always,
RNT