I wanna rock and roll all night

I saw this on PostSecret today and it screamed at me. I've known for two years that sometimes what I was experiencing was emotional abuse. I'm stubborn and strong but I still lost so much because of the way he manipulated me and tried to own me. This doesn't only happen to weak, wimpy girls who aren't feminists and don't know what they deserve. It happens to anyone. What can I do now to stop this from happening to other people?










Anyhow. I wish I could say that I specifically remember when I first felt that maybe I wasn't the same in Brian's eyes as I was in my own. I wish I could remember the first time he held me back from what I wanted to do or the first time his words made me feel tiny and stupid. I do remember the first time I realized that my relationship wasn't exactly what I had thought.
We were in Linens N' Things. I had a gift card from my neighbors and I was buying whatever I thought I needed for college (btw, I was mostly wrong). In the kitchen section I went to buy some glasses and I made some alcohol-related comment, to which his response was, "you're not drinking in college." Just like that, not a question, not a concern, just a command. It shocked me. He had kept that side him of so well-covered and it hadn't crossed my mind yet that my boyfriend would ever have anything to do with what I did or didn't do (aside from the obvious, like hooking up with other guys, which would still have to be my choice and not his command). It seemed ridiculous to me and I wrote it off, thinking he either didn't really mean it or he'd just get over it. Of couse I was going to drink in college. What could he possibly think I was going to do, experience higher learning?

love, love, love, love, crazy love

I met Brian when I was way too young to care much about my partner's intellect, life goals, morals, religious or political viewpoints, etc. The bottom line is, I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, and we made each other laugh. By 17-year-old standards, why the hell not? It didn't hurt that his mom's kitchen (oh yeah, did I mention he was living in his mom's basement until January of this year?) was well-stocked with delicious and unhealthy food, and that he had two huge-screen TVs and plenty of (questionable) discretionary income. He took me out to nice restaurants and bought me multiple gifts on holidays. He cared way more than any guy I knew then about how he looked and smelled and he treated me with a confidence I wasn't used to, having dated guys close to my age who were easily intimidated and often inexperienced. I'm not and never have been the type to make the first move in any situation, but he handled my shy, closed-up demeanor with impressive dexterity and within a couple of months I had given over most of my time, energy and emotions to him.
I'll be fair. I'm bitter and frustrated now, and I'm painting him as manipulative and even maybe a bit pedophilic. Brian didn't take advantage of me; that's not what I mean to say at all. We had a legitimately great time together back then. He made me feel awesome and I made him equally happy. Our relationship wasn't unhealthy; we gave and took equally and only fought over ridiculously tiny things, if at all. There was no jealousy, no lying, no attempt by either party to control what the other did in his or her spare time. Things were great.
I remember sitting in the computer room at my house once in the middle of the day, before I had my own laptop. I don't know what I was doing on the computer but some cheesy country song was playing and it was about love, and I realized right at that moment that I was in love. I felt like I had gotten some kind of gift that I had been waiting and hoping for for years. I was giddy and warm and when my mom came in, she thought at first something bad had happened
because I had tears running down my face.
There is nothing as awesome as falling in love. As full of regret and resentment as I am right now, I can still say that I truly believe there is absolutely nothing more gratifying and overwhelming. Everyone should get to fall in love at least once. It is just simply totally awesome.


She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

did Ma prepare you for a sick dark world?

Brian sent my mom a Facebook message today.

whats is wrong with your daughter? is she ok ? I tryed numerous time to get a hold of her and she wont reply or return my phone call and let me voice myopinion and tell her what i think and feel. I feel thats really unfair and kinda selfish , everyone knows i wouldn't do that to her. i still care about her and always will, thats what annoys me the most.because the way shes acting doesnt seem like she cares at all,and it drives mecrazy. i feel bad things went the way they did and i cant even tell her.
anyways i just wanted to let you know ...im sure u only hear one side and thats not fair. also when u picked her up in [anonymous Marlyand suburb] i had no idea she left.
anyways enough complaining happy holidays
i called the [anonymous last name] house to wish you all a Thanksgiving [perhaps even a happy one? Typography has never been his forte.]
ps sorry to throw this all at you

This is probably suprising to some, but to those who know Brian as well as our family does, it's not all that shocking. His family is so different from ours. In my mom's words, they have totally different boundaries. Where I grew up, a relationship is between two people and it's really not up to anyone else to influence either party's behavior. Your pain is your own and you work through it by talking to someone- but you have to choose that someone carefully. Your ex-girlfriend's mother is not going to agree with you. I happen to know that I (and my brother, I guess) am the center of my mom's world and an angry, hurt, unstable, and frankly immature ex-boyfriend isn't going to change her mind.
That said, I really do hope he figures out what to do with all his frustration. I know that by not talking to him, I may come off as cold and uncaring, but from my perspective that's okay. The end of a relationship always hurts more for one person, since "mutual" is such a relative term and "amicable" is kind of a joke anyway. The only way he's going to finally get inside his own head and understand his pitfalls is if I remove myself from the equation (a sentiment to which he responded, "what is this, a math problem?" I hung up on him). He just simply can't keep relying on me to ease the pain of what he's been through recently and what he's constantly going through in his head. I wish he weren't too proud to see a therapist, since I believe in the power of talk therapy, but he's told me numerous times that he has no interest in talking to a stranger about his feelings. Strange that he'd have dated a psychology major for so long, since hopefully someday that's how I'll be making a living.

The title of this post is from the Say Anything song, "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too." It's ordinarily about phone sex, but some of the lyrics seem oddly appropriate now.

Know that you will be my downfall/but I call and I call and I call

Gotta go pick my brother up in Chinatown. Vegan Thanksgiving feast tonight with all my favorite people.

thanksgiving

The first time Brian called me, it was Thanksgiving of 2005. I was at a resort on Amelia Island, off of the coast of Florida. Or Georgia. Down there somewhere. He called to invite me to a party.
Here's an e-mail I wrote to him last night, but I don't think I'll send it.

Brian,
right now i feel like my whole world has been turned upside-down. everything feels totally different. i wake up in the morning and i feel okay, i'm not sad or lonely, but i feel like i haven't really woken up yet. like i'm in the twilight zone and everyone else is outside of my weird little bubble. i go through my whole day smiling and feeling alright. i think about the things that i can do now that you're gone, like have male friends without anyone questioning me or stay out late and come home to my own bed whenever i want. and i'm happy that i can do these things now, because it's been a long time. but all the while i feel a little bit like everyone else is just a tiny bit more alive than i am. it's very, very hard to explain.
and then comes nighttime. nighttime is the worst. i've cried myself to sleep most of the nights since i last talked to you. the sun starts to disappear and all of the sudden i can just feel you everywhere. all of the sudden all of my negative thoughts about you just fade away, i forget the horrible things you've said to me over the past few days and i forget how ugly our relationship became in the last couple of months, and all i can think about is being in your old room at your mom's house. how we would watch movies and make snacks and listen to music and then do it all again and we didn't care about anything else. we didn't have anywhere to be and i would drive home feeling full of light. we had the kind of relationship that every little girl dreams about having. you know exactly where and how i like to be touched and kissed and you know what makes me happy, gets me talking, pisses me off, wakes me up, makes me glow or makes me cry. and when i think about these things i just can't stop crying because i know that even if we were still together, those days are gone forever and it's like, "why was i so lucky then? what did i do to deserve losing that incredible cloud 9 feeling?" and somehow i fall asleep and wake up the next morning feeling okay.
i've gotten almost every message you've sent to me. i came home on friday night (i wasn't at any "little party" like you suspected) because i needed to be home and be with my family. when i went back to school, i purposely left my phone here and took my mom's so that i wouldn't have to read your texts or ignore your calls myself. your texts cut me so deeply, brian, i hope you realize that. when i checked my voicemail a couple of days later i had six messages, and i deleted each one quickly without listening to it because i didn't want to break down.
right now, it's really over. things fell apart. they just did. there's nothing either of us can do about it. that's why i can't let myself give in right now, and talk to you. because part of me knows that as soon as you hear my voice you'll start doing whatever it is you always do that gets right to my core. you'll use whatever technique it is to make me want to jump right back into your arms but the logical side of me knows that i have to resist that, at least until the hardest part is over. how can i be with someone who repeatedly lied to me, who cheated on me, who spoke to me like i was his maid or his little sister, and hardly ever felt any remorse? how can i be with someone who says he didn't love me for a full year that we were together, that he just had me fooled to think he was in love with me? the answer is, i can't.

maybe in a few months we can talk about things. who knows what could change (or not) in a few months. maybe you'll decide that the partying isn't worth it if you have to hide it from me, and you'll want me back by then. maybe i'll realize that underneath all the horribleness, you really do love me and you can change somehow to be someone i'm proud to date. maybe not. maybe you'll move on and meet someone who is OK with your new life and who makes you happy the way you are now, and you'll stop caring about me altogether. maybe i'll become a man-hating lesbian becase of the way you treated me and i'll go around with anger in my heart all the time and snap at everyone who tries to talk to me. maybe not. anything can happen now. all bets are off.

what a scary way to live. happy thanksgiving.
RNT

warts and all

Let's talk about goals for a second. Considering Brian didn't have any, it's only fitting.
My goal here is to lay EVERYTHING (within reason and appropriateness) on the table, regarding the last three years of my life. I think a lot of people set out to write blogs about the superficial facets of their lives, occasionally touching on the personal if only to expose the funny, pathetic, poetic or impressive parts of themselves. It's scary and dangerous to write the real. Who knows who your audience may come to include. I'm not saying I blame anyone for this, I'm just saying that I'm going to try and break out of it. To me, the only point of writing a journal at all is if it helps me talk things out with my demons and organize the inevitable chaos of being in my early 20's (does being 20 count as my early 20's?). Masking the ugliest parts of my story may make it easier to read, certainly easier to write, but it will not help me. I am going to talk about this "warts and all," in the words of Oliver Cromwell.
For a couple of years now I have been only telling half the story, if I was telling it at all. When you are in a serious relationship with someone, once you're past the infatuation phase and you've admitted that you're committed, it kind of becomes everyone's business. My relationships are certainly the concern of my family and friends, something I hadn't anticipated when things with Brian started to go downhill. I had no trouble filling my homies in on all the sweet things Brian would do for me; how he drove 13 hours to visit me at school in my freshman year at Knox, how we liked the same bands and how endearingly terrified he was when he witnessed for the first time one of my legendary panic attacks. But I hadn't planned for how difficult it would be to be open with everyone once the big fights started coming more often, once he had become controlling and wildly temperamental. What would happen to my dignity when I exposed myself as the kind of girl who stays with a guy after he turns out to be a monster? (It took me the better part of a year to understand that being in love with someone enough to give them another chance, and then another, and then another, isn't weakness but actually strength, in its own way.) So I learned to avoid and omit. Thus went my sanity.
I'll begin at the beginning. I met Brian early in my senior year in high school. I was on top of the world back then. I was popular at school and in excellent health. I was among the last of my friends to get my license and also to lose my virginity- I think I had just recently gotten my license when I met Brian, but I was still waiting on the other one. I had had a couple of pretty superficial relationships that were nothing if not typical and I was making good headway on making the right amount of poor judgment calls to be considered cool by high school standards. I liked to party but I wasn't addicted to anything and I had strict standards about what I would and wouldn't introduce into my bloodstream.

That's all I have time for right now. I'm to try and include a few excerpts from journals and poetry that parallel what I'm talking about here.