thanksgiving

The first time Brian called me, it was Thanksgiving of 2005. I was at a resort on Amelia Island, off of the coast of Florida. Or Georgia. Down there somewhere. He called to invite me to a party.
Here's an e-mail I wrote to him last night, but I don't think I'll send it.

Brian,
right now i feel like my whole world has been turned upside-down. everything feels totally different. i wake up in the morning and i feel okay, i'm not sad or lonely, but i feel like i haven't really woken up yet. like i'm in the twilight zone and everyone else is outside of my weird little bubble. i go through my whole day smiling and feeling alright. i think about the things that i can do now that you're gone, like have male friends without anyone questioning me or stay out late and come home to my own bed whenever i want. and i'm happy that i can do these things now, because it's been a long time. but all the while i feel a little bit like everyone else is just a tiny bit more alive than i am. it's very, very hard to explain.
and then comes nighttime. nighttime is the worst. i've cried myself to sleep most of the nights since i last talked to you. the sun starts to disappear and all of the sudden i can just feel you everywhere. all of the sudden all of my negative thoughts about you just fade away, i forget the horrible things you've said to me over the past few days and i forget how ugly our relationship became in the last couple of months, and all i can think about is being in your old room at your mom's house. how we would watch movies and make snacks and listen to music and then do it all again and we didn't care about anything else. we didn't have anywhere to be and i would drive home feeling full of light. we had the kind of relationship that every little girl dreams about having. you know exactly where and how i like to be touched and kissed and you know what makes me happy, gets me talking, pisses me off, wakes me up, makes me glow or makes me cry. and when i think about these things i just can't stop crying because i know that even if we were still together, those days are gone forever and it's like, "why was i so lucky then? what did i do to deserve losing that incredible cloud 9 feeling?" and somehow i fall asleep and wake up the next morning feeling okay.
i've gotten almost every message you've sent to me. i came home on friday night (i wasn't at any "little party" like you suspected) because i needed to be home and be with my family. when i went back to school, i purposely left my phone here and took my mom's so that i wouldn't have to read your texts or ignore your calls myself. your texts cut me so deeply, brian, i hope you realize that. when i checked my voicemail a couple of days later i had six messages, and i deleted each one quickly without listening to it because i didn't want to break down.
right now, it's really over. things fell apart. they just did. there's nothing either of us can do about it. that's why i can't let myself give in right now, and talk to you. because part of me knows that as soon as you hear my voice you'll start doing whatever it is you always do that gets right to my core. you'll use whatever technique it is to make me want to jump right back into your arms but the logical side of me knows that i have to resist that, at least until the hardest part is over. how can i be with someone who repeatedly lied to me, who cheated on me, who spoke to me like i was his maid or his little sister, and hardly ever felt any remorse? how can i be with someone who says he didn't love me for a full year that we were together, that he just had me fooled to think he was in love with me? the answer is, i can't.

maybe in a few months we can talk about things. who knows what could change (or not) in a few months. maybe you'll decide that the partying isn't worth it if you have to hide it from me, and you'll want me back by then. maybe i'll realize that underneath all the horribleness, you really do love me and you can change somehow to be someone i'm proud to date. maybe not. maybe you'll move on and meet someone who is OK with your new life and who makes you happy the way you are now, and you'll stop caring about me altogether. maybe i'll become a man-hating lesbian becase of the way you treated me and i'll go around with anger in my heart all the time and snap at everyone who tries to talk to me. maybe not. anything can happen now. all bets are off.

what a scary way to live. happy thanksgiving.
RNT