it's my blog, i can break chronology if i want to

I feel like I've spent most of my life feeling nostalgic. I know they say that college is the best four years of your life, but I find myself missing high school all the time. I know it probably sounds ridiculous and angsty, but the past always seems so much better than the now, and than my impression of the future. I guess that means I need to learn to appreciate the now, and accept that soon enough, the now will be that preferable past. Does that make sense?
I just re-discovered my old blogs, both Xangas. At first it was hilarious, reading entries from the days when I had braces and thought low-rise jeans were the be-all and end-all of fashion. It made me smile to read about all the things I did that got me in trouble, and to recall how absolutely terrifying it was to get caught. I always knew back then that someday I'd look back on my indiscretions and laugh at them, and that someday I'd tell my mom about all the things I hid from her in high school, but back then the immediacy was overwhelming and the future seemed really, really far away.
Soon enough, I got to the December 2005 entries when Brian entered the picture. This was considerably less fun to read. Reading the entries from early January 2006, right after we started officially dating, was just downright miserable.
From February 13th, 2006:
"brian called me at like 11 and said he was coming to pick me up so i went home
and i was really mad
and then he showed up
and then i wasn't mad anymore no matter how hard i tried.
we made a little snowman with long arms and a big smile."

I remember this night really, really vividly, even though it was almost three years ago. We went to the park down the block from my house and played in the snow. For the first time, the person I was dating was also my friend. We cracked each other up that night, putting snow down each other's pants and making hideous snow angels.

From March 28th, 2006:
"wake up sunday morning, er, afternoon, go to brian's. hang around his house, go to Mama's for early dinner, bitch at him for stupid things, he makes me laugh hard in the parking lot, i realize how perfect i feel with him sometimes. head back to his house for the sopranos. well, he wanted to watch the sopranos and i was feeling open-minded. the things we do for love. it wasn't bad, we had ice cream like fattys and i jumped on his bed."

Reaction to reading these? Owowowowowow. Ow.

I also found a file on my laptop full of the best love e-mails I wrote to Brian from Little Shitty Midwestern College, and even some of the truly evil angry e-mails I wrote to him over this past summer. I think from now on, most of my entries will start with an e-mail copied-and-pasted, since they make for good timeline highlights.
Here's one from my early days at LSMC:

November 3rd, 2006
been thinking today about all the things you do for me. i've never been the kind of person who gave herself up completely to someone, who admitted that she needed anything from anyone else. but i've also never met anyone who was willing to do that for me. i know i've said to you in the past that i feel i dont deserve you. i don't mean that in an insecure, 'i'm not good enough for you' kind of way. i just mean, i don't know, you're so completely there for me it's unreal.
thanksgiving has always been, for me at least, an excuse to eat a fucking lot and watch football with my jewish cousins. my mom always tried to make it something more. she would ask, during a rare silent period in the meal, what everyone was thankful for. my cousins would try to outdo each other in humor, my dad would ignore the question, and everyone else would say something like, "family." i myself was usually too shy to answer, or i'd say i was thankful for Charlie or for all the food on the table. this year, though, i can't wait for the moment when i get to say i'm so incredibly thankful for you and everything you've given me this past year. for keeping me warm through the longest, coldest winter of my life and for making me laugh and for loving me back. for nights when the stars were out and for mornings when we couldn't drag ourselves out of bed.
i love you,
RNT


Soon enough, I'll return with more tales of Brian's early warning signs and the achingly slow spiral into misery that is my recently-concluded, first-love relationship, since I'm told by one reader that these are the most entertaining of my vignettes. However, one of my goals in keeping this blog is to prioritize emotional necessity over entertainment value, so if I'm needing to write about old, happy times, I'll write about old, happy times, even if it bores my minimal readership to tears.